Perry was 22 when he finished his undergraduate work and began graduate studies in anthropology. Shortly after moving to the twin cities, he spent his time with a gay youth group rather than hitting the bars. He told himself that he was doing this to further his research. That was true enough, but hardly the only or even the principal reason.

He had always loved boys. For a while he thought that would change as he got older. At Rutgers he belonged to the student lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender group. A few of the freshmen were small enough, cute enough and vibrant enough to attract him. He waited for his interests to become more mature. They didn’t. By the time he was a senior he had to face facts. He was a boy lover, or more exactly, a lover of adolescents.

Perhaps it was because he was small of stature. He was boy sized down there as well. But plenty of boy lovers were big guys. The youth group’s membership was ostensibly 13 to 23. Some of the older members were six feet and over, with husky builds. Perry recognized that he felt more comfortable with guys near his own size.

*****

At the meetings, Perry tried to get to know the younger boys. Some of them formed little cliques. The young man thought that they did this to hold off advances by older members. Gay, but not ready to act on it in a serious way, they were afraid of the demands of a sexual partner. Gradually, as they got older, these same kids would begin to have relationships.

A tall, husky red headed boy, who was often in attendance, seemed to enjoy talking to Perry. Bryan was sixteen but not at all Perry’s type. He was already six inches taller, 30 pounds heavier, and had a plain sort of face that would be rugged in time. Instead, the young man was drawn to cute, slim, rather effeminate boys.

It was the usual curse of human affairs, A attracted to B, B attracted to C, C attracted to A. Except, Perry didn’t realize Bryan was interested in him in that way. The feeling not being reciprocated, the young man didn’t recognize it for what it was.

Without foreknowledge, Perry listened to the story that Bryan began to tell him one night. It seemed, according to the teenager, that an after meeting party, by invitation only, regularly took place at the apartment of one of the older members. Bryan pointed out the fellow and his lover, a slight and attractive kid of about fifteen.

The older one, Bryan maintained, liked to watch while several of the bigger guys screwed his lover. Then he would have him himself. Perry’s interest was provoked by the scene that formed in his mind. As it happened, the youth continued, he had been invited for tonight. And he could bring a friend with him. Did Perry want to go, Bryan asked, after a pause.

The young man did desire to attend, although only to watch. He did not expect to be called upon to service the cute boy, and wasn’t inclined to perform for an audience in any case. Furthermore, Perry had never fucked anyone. His encounters had involved touching and mutual masturbation, occasionally sucking, activities more suited to his inclination to nurture and to romance, than to what he considered the cruder aspects of sex.

Perry delayed his answer because he did not want the extent of his interest to show. But when matters were drawing to a close, Bryan asked again if Perry would go with him to the after meeting party. “Sure,” the young man answered in a studied, unexcited tone.

*****

The two hosts and eight guests formed a group that made its way to the residence. The apartment, above a sporting goods store, appeared to have once served the business below as storage space. There was a large, nearly barren central room. Off that there was a kitchen, a bathroom, and a couple of bedrooms. Many years ago the walls had been painted a drab brown that nearly matched the old varnish on the pine board floor. There were no rugs and little furniture. The corner near the door to the brightly lit kitchen was occupied by a dilapidated arm chair and a scattering of mismatched side chairs. This area was also illuminated by a single floor lamp. There were no other lights in the room.

Some benches that looked like discarded pews were positioned around the far walls. Perry headed for one of these in the corner that was darkest and furthest from what he presumed would be the center of activity. Bryan went with him. They sat together in the dark and watched the others arrange themselves into little groups, the older host ensconced in his arm chair.

The younger host busied himself in the kitchen for a while, emerging with a tray of plastic glasses. These contained highballs, Perry discovered upon sipping his. As soon as he had finished it, Bryan got him a second. They were sitting close and chatting, the younger boy’s knee pressed against his own.

When Bryan put his arms around him and began some heavy petting, Perry was not entirely surprised. He had begun to think that the boy might have some interest in him when they settled into their corner together. There were others for the youngster to socialize with, but the lad had stuck to him like glue.

Bryan’s mouth was all over his face now, the kid’s hands exploring his upper body. Perry hugged the youth back, more as a courtesy than anything else. Still, he couldn’t say that he didn’t feel anything. His body reacted to the attention in spite of what he thought he knew about his own interests. This was a reversal of role. He should be in Bryan’s place, his own taken by a boy younger and much smaller than the person who had his tongue in Perry’s mouth.

But Bryan’s roving hand found his erection and he forgot about how things ought to be. For a while, For a while, Perry’s mind was oblivious to everything except the feelings in his body. It was a movement that he noticed first. Focusing his eyes he saw that two of the fellows had brought mattresses into the room.

He laughed inwardly at the old covers, gray with blue stripes. They were ancient things that should have been thrown away years ago. Perhaps they had been, before being salvaged by their parsimonious host. One was placed near the circle of light in the far corner of the room. The other ended up closer.

Perry forgot about it for a moment as his attentive young friend began working his hands underneath Perry’s clothing. The kid had pulled his shirt tail out from his pants. But the hands he felt about his feet had to be someone else’s. His shoe laces were being untied. The boy was still kissing his face and his neck, big wet ones.

He glanced in the direction of the light. Several men were engaged in undressing the host’s young lover. Perry went suddenly light headed. He thought he might faint as he was struck with the realization of what was happening. But he didn’t pass out; instead staring at the scene he had come to see.

Perry watched with fascination as the boy was stripped. Although he was acutely aware that the same thing was happening to him, it seemed more like a parallel dream. His shirt was pulled off when the boy’s was. They stood him up and lowered his pants in synchrony with the other. He was transfixed as the teenager was led naked to the mattress.

Lying on his stomach, his legs spread apart; the young man’s eyes were fixed on the fifteen year old. The boy was looking back at him. They made eye contact and held it. Perry saw how, one after another, the bigger, older boys got on top of the kid and fucked him. As for himself, he had no idea whether Bryan was first or last.

*****

He woke up late in the morning, having missed his classes for the day. Someone else’s soft brown hair was in his face. The person who shared his bed stirred. It was the boy. He smiled at Perry and kissed him softly on the lips. They cuddled each other, sisters now.

How strange it was, Perry thought, the way things worked out. The young man hadn’t realized that he wanted, sometimes and in some ways, to be the loved boy. It had never occurred to him that others would be interested in him, absorbed as he had been with finding a kid to love. Nor had that part changed.

In the days that followed, Perry found himself accepted by a set of fifteen and sixteen year olds that included the cute boy he had ended up in bed with. They were an active group, having affairs with older lovers spiced with occasional play within the clique. Often they were a silly bunch. Perry loved it.